Today was mother's day. I treated my parents to lunch and bought my mom tulips. She seemed pleased.
I wish I knew my mother more, but it always feels silly and superficial to ask questions. It always feels more like an interview than a conversation, and her answers never really enlighten me about her as a person. I am extremely saddened by the fact that the older I get, the more apart we grow. I love my parents. They have done well by me and I owe them so much... but sometimes I feel like we live in different worlds.
My mind has been going dangerous places lately. I can't seem to stop thinking about the things that drive me mad if I think about them too long. Things are all topsy turvy, almost as if a parallel universe crashed into mine and now alternate fates are happening simultaneously. Everything feels right and wrong at the same time, so I shrug my shoulders and take the middle course, hoping things will even out in time.
Sorry for being vague. There are some things I'd rather not even admit to myself in words, much less other people on the internet. So I'm cheating and expressing emotions instead of concrete thoughts. It's almost like bad poetry.
Tonight is another what I have come to call "roof night," except that this time it has a bit of a negative spin. A roof night is generally a night when I feel particularly romantic and I have an urge to climb up onto a roof with a good friend or lover, star watch, and think about incomprehensible things. So if a roof night is romantic, I suppose tonight could be considered gothic. Tonight I feel like climbing up onto a roof alone, smoking a cigarette, and contemplating the absurdity of the fact that if I were to simply roll a few feet in either direction I could extinguish my existence.
That sounded horrifically melodramatic, but there it is.
I tried writing a song the other day. Over the past couple of months, I've come up with several piano accompaniments that I want to use, but for some reason, words just won't come. I managed to write a verse a few days ago, but it quickly lost steam and I found myself at a dead end. I think that's part of the reason I'm kind of depressed actually. I've never gone this long without song ideas, which is strange because my life in this past year has been more dramatic than ever so I feel like I ought to have more to write about. Whenever I finish a new song it gives me a sense of accomplishment like almost nothing else. Even a successful art project is fleeting compared to a new song. I haven't written anything worthwhile in well over a year, and it's really starting to bother me.
I visited my old house today. The psychotic renter moved out last Tuesday, so the place is empty. She'd left it in pretty bad condition--the back yard was a scraggly jungle, the carpets were pretty disgusting (how she managed to blacken the white carpet that much in only 8 months is beyond me), and the house stank. My parents had mostly fixed things by the time I got there, but it was still sad to see what she had done to it. I lived in that house since I was 4. I don't have any particular sentimental attachment to it, but it is still the house I grew up in. The strangest part was that everything seemed so much smaller. We only moved back in September, so it's not like I was any smaller the last time I was inside it... but everything felt cramped. The back yard and the bathrooms especially were almost claustrophobic. I had been planning to rent it with my friends next year, but plans changed and now we'll be living in my best friend's old house. I was disappointed at first, but now that I've gone back to it, I realize how much better my friend's house is. Not only is it closer to our college and has a pool, but it's also much roomier. I hope my parents find suitable renters who aren't crazy and who don't trash the place. As for me, I'm very excited about living off campus next year with some of my closest friends. The apartments on campus are nice, but I've gotten sick of them. They're noisy, there's no privacy, the walls are so thin you can hear the person next door clear their throat, parking for non residents is a bitch, and they're unfriendly and institutional. I can't wait to have my own place that I can bring people to, where I can be loud, I can smoke and drink if I want, and I can have a comfortable bed and a real kitchen.
I am excited for the return of a couple of my friends who are currently out of state. One of them has actually already returned, although I have yet to see her, and the other should be coming back tomorrow.
I think I need to end this post now, it's already 11:00 and at the very least I need to fold laundry before I go to bed.
