There have been a few times within the last month or so where I really was not completely sure whether I was awake or dreaming.
The strange events, the stress, and the insomnia all contribute to an overall sense of detachedness--everything is simultaneously vague and hyper-real.
The memories from last night in particular stand out. The moonlit alien landscape, speeding down empty roads at 120 miles an hour blasting adrenaline music, the eery, dreamlike lake, heavy with mist, its waters so still it seemed like another sky, stretching out infinitely below us. The friend who had become incredibly close in an incredibly short amount of time, and whom I had met under remarkably bizarre circumstances.
Genuine, unexpected human connections are truly one of the most beautiful things in life.
The things I'm supposed to care about don't interest me one bit. Each day that passes, I lack more and more motivation to do the things that have to be done. I resent the things that keep me from doing what I want to do, and the more I think about it, the more insane the whole system seems.
I'm beginning to see people around me as machines that have codes that dictate how they react in certain situations. Some machines are more complex and some are simpler, repeating their cycle on a daily basis. I'm beginning to lose patience.
In fact I'm beginning to lose patience with a lot of things. I feel a constant anxiety, like my life is a ticking time bomb and I'm waiting for something big to happen, although I don't know what it is yet. I am short tempered and defensive. I feel like I have done a lot of settling, and nothing is quite where it should be.
And yet a lot of the time, I look around me and I see so much beauty it's almost unbearable. I'll have days where all I want to do is sit somewhere under a tree and spend hours inspecting the intricate networking of the veins in a leaf.
I am tragically out of touch with the rest of the world.
The people around me seem like the most important thing in my life.
I go to bed anywhere between 3 and 5 every morning.
I don't care about much.
Or maybe I care so much that I don't know where to begin.
Things haven't made sense for a while, and it's ok for now, but I'm afraid if things don't start having some kind of organization soon, I'm going to lose it.
