Anyway, that benchmark caused me to reflect on all that's happened over the last year, and, as I have about a billion things to do that I've been putting off like nobody's business (some things never change), I thought I'd take the opportunity to write down some of my thoughts instead of doing the things I need to do. Clearly I'm good at prioritizing.
In most respects, I do not consider myself to be a naive person. I'm a bit of a dreamer, sure, but when it comes down to it, I know how to separate fantasy from reality. If anything, I tend to be what you might call a "practical pessimist;" that is, I mentally prepare myself for the worst case scenario so that anything else that may come to pass will feel pleasant by comparison. And yet somehow, in all my fretting in the months leading up to my move across the country, in a lot of ways, reality still fell short.
I do not mean to say that I have become disillusioned with New York, or that I have any less desire to pursue my goals than I did before. I am not so easily deterred from the things that I want, and as far as New York is concerned... well, I don't know what it is about this city, but it can freeze me, melt me, scream at me, kick me to the curb and challenge all the things I love in my life, but all it takes is one glance up at the skyscrapers while I'm walking around with my headphones in to bring a stupid grin to my face because, ('scuse my French) I'm in New York fucking City, and I am going places.
But the fact of the matter is, I'm only a step above the worst case scenario that I envisioned for myself. I had hoped that by this time, I would have a steady job in something relating to my field. I had hoped that I would be assisting either for an established veteran in the industry, or for some talented up-and-comer whose work I admired and who I enjoyed being around. I had thought that I would have an exciting social life where I'd be going out every weekend (which I'd be able to afford because of the steady job), and I'd have a group I'd hang out with at a cafe we'd become regulars at like on Friends. I had actually thought, truly, that my relationship would survive in spite of the distance, and that eventually he would come out here and we'd live together and get a dog and yadda yadda cheesy romantic BS. The worst case scenario, of course, was that none of these things would happen, with the added bonus of running out of money and being forced to move back home. That last part, thankfully, has not happened yet, but the rest of it is pretty far from what I'd hoped for myself.
I do have a steady job that supplies me with enough income to live on (barely), but it's not in my field, and it's far from stimulating. The only assisting gigs I've managed to come by do not pay. The only jobs in my field that do seem to pay are the ones I don't have much interest in (like product photography). My social life is spotty. I have a couple of close friends who I see occasionally, and I've had some wonderful times with them where we do exciting things and I feel on top of the world, but if I'm being honest, most of my days off are spent at home in front of the computer. And my relationship is suffering. I don't think either of us anticipated how the distance would affect us; it would be so much easier if it was something big and explosive, like infidelity or falling out of love, because that would be something concrete. Instead, it's just this void where you start to forget their mannerisms or what it feels like to fall asleep next to them, and a voice on the phone isn't enough anymore. It's subtle and it comes on slowly, and you don't know what to do about it because everyone you talk to is going to give you the same answer, but it's not the one you want to hear, and it never feels like it's "time" yet, because as long as there's love, you can still fix it right? There are many more things I could say on that topic, but I think it's probably best if I don't. In any case, I didn't intend for this to be a depressing post, so I'm going to move on.
The weird part in all of this is that I feel ok. I had a pretty traumatizing week about a month ago where all sorts of shit hit the fan, and I was kind of a wreck for a couple of days, but since then I've been on the upswing. I guess I'm finally coming around to the realization that the times they are a-changin', and there are some wonderful things from my life that I can never revisit. That's just a fact of life I suppose, but I'm a nostalgic person, and though I don't fear change, my tendency to dwell on memories makes letting go of things a little harder.
It's been a crazy ride so far, and I've done a lot of growing up. More than anything else, I've learned that I'm actually a lot more independent than I thought. Yeah I know I won't know the true meaning of independence until I'm paying for my own health insurance and a mortgage and all that, but it feels nice to basically be able to support myself and spend my own money, and I've relearned how to enjoy being alone. I think I've grown some tougher skin too when it comes to dealing with people (New York is famous for that), but I haven't let it jade me yet. Between Milk Studios, working with Luke, doing test shoots for modeling agencies, and picking up some gigs along the way, I've met plenty of amazing people and a few nutjobs, and I have learned a shit ton about the fashion industry. And perhaps most importantly, the quality of my work has grown a lot. Whatever challenges I've faced, I still get a reminder of why I'm here every time I do a photoshoot because I can actually visually see the progress I've made staring me in the face.
Speaking of such things, that editorial I mentioned in my last entry came out in February, so I can post the images now. I'll just share a few of my favorites, along with the tear sheet from the magazine:
In more recent photo-related news, I've got two shoots coming up in the next couple of weeks that I'm excited about. One of them is a project that my makeup artist wanted to do--it'll be a colorful, abstract kind of thing with splashes and patterns of bright paint and powder on a model's face (think Kandinsky, but with a face as the canvas). I was able to get a perfect model from Major who has a pink pixie cut, so that should be a fun shoot. The other will be an androgynous styled shoot that I may or may not have mentioned before... it's been in the works since December, but I finally managed to get a pull letter--and from Z!NK, no less! They're a fairly big fashion magazine, and although the pull letter doesn't guarantee publication, it does mean that they're interested in my idea and that they like my work. So that's super cool!
In spite of all that sad stuff earlier, I've actually had a fun couple of weeks recently. I reconnected with a good friend who I haven't seen since September, and brought her along to a yoga class in the East Village which she loved, so it looks like we're going to make that a Wednesday thing. Our mutual friend from college was also visiting NY this last month, and I got drinks with them a couple of times and I went to the MoMA with him as well as a little free acoustic show at a record store by The Wild Beasts (which was incredible). Next week, one of my closest friends will be visiting from Ireland, so I'll get to host him for a day, and then later that week, I'll get to see the Arab Music Ensemble (of which I was an avid member in college) perform at Carnegie Hall. Also, the weather is FINALLY starting to warm up a little bit... which sounds like really banal news, but I think part of what was contributing to my sad sackery was seasonal affective disorder (only partially joking). We're all pretty sick of the cold over here on the east coast, so every day that gets above 45 degrees is met with a lot of enthusiasm.
Ok, I'm losing steam here. There are plenty of other adventures I didn't get to cover since the last time I wrote, but that's ok. I'll leave you with a couple of songs I've been listening to a lot lately.
Track listing:
- Palace - Wild Beasts
- Wanderlust - Wild Beasts
- Tessellate - Alt-J
- Taro - Alt-J
- Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez
- Feel It All Around - Washed Out
- Something Good Can Work - Two Door Cinema Club
- Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood
- Saltkin - Purity Ring
- Belispeak - Purity Ring
Oh yeah, one more thing... I entered a contest that I probably have no hope in hell of winning... but you never know. You have to create an account in order to vote, which is annoying, but if you can spare the 30 seconds, I'd appreciate the support. :) https://sabinamiklowitz.see.me/exposure2014 Thanks loves!
