Things You Will Never Get Back

(Inspired by Thought Catalog)



Going through your grandmother's jewelery box when you were 5. Picking out a gold necklace with tiered tassels, draping it over your forehead, and telling everyone you were a circus elephant.

Going to see Spy Kids at the movie theater with your mom, and subsequently developing an obsession with spy kits and solving mysteries. Thinking that you're destined to be the world's next top secret agent.

Retreating to the walk-in closet in your grandmother's house with your cousin to gossip and twitter about things you didn't want the adults to hear.

That time your high school friend (who you mainly hung out with because you felt she was cooler than you and you hoped some of her daredevil tendencies might rub off on you and make you a more interesting person) coerced you into going with her to tag an abandoned house in her neighborhood. It was around 1am and foggy, and you were shaking partly from cold, but mostly from a mix of thrill and paranoia.

The time on your symphony trip to Reno when you and your friends all went down to the outdoor hot tub at midnight and dared each other to jump into the unheated pool. It was the middle of December, and it was snowing, and you knew that kind of dramatic change in temperature couldn't be good for your body, but you did it anyway because you felt infinite.

Watching "Dogma" at 4am in your crush's room while on tour, and purposely falling asleep so that you might "accidentally" spend the night there. He took you back to your room after the movie, but the gentle way with which he woke you was enough for you to pretend that you had had a meaningful night together.

Standing at the edge of a dock at sunset when you were little with the wind and the waves blowing toward you. Pretending you were the captain of a ship and shouting directions to invisible crew members.

Senior prom. You had loved him for 4 years. It had been one-sided, but he was still your best friend and you were glad for that. You danced and you smiled and you had a good time. Closure.

Sitting in the backyard of a friend's house at his going away party. You felt cool because you were the only freshman, and everyone else was a graduating senior. You'd all met through the high school choir, and you were being music nerds, calling out chords whenever the sheep your friend owned happened to bleat together. Realizing you were going to miss him terribly as you watched him play "Such Great Heights" on his ukulele.

Passing time in pre-calculus by writing notes to your friends instead of paying attention to lecture. Thinking up new creative ways to fold the notes into ribbons, boxes, and various origami creatures.

Speeding down a country road at some odd hour of the morning, blasting electronic music with a new friend you were becoming very close to very quickly, and hitting a bump in perfect timing with the drop. Feeling limitless.

That perfect day at the beach with the person you were interested in. You had an hour before you had to be at work, but it was hot and the water looked so inviting. You looked at each other and knew you were thinking the same thing--laughing at the absurdity of what you were about to do, you both ran straight into the ocean, fully clothed, and you can still see his face grinning at you as you surfaced from the water. You barely had time to change before rushing into work. You were a little sunburned, and your hair was still wet and full of sand, but you were so, so happy.

Standing on a bridge above a lake somewhere around 2am with a friend you had met under bizarre circumstances, and who you hadn't known for very long. The fog was thick, and the water was so still that it almost looked like another sky extending infinitely below you. Everything about that night had been magical, and you felt intense chemistry between you and your friend, but everything was so new you didn't really know how to feel. He dropped you off at your dorm at around 5, and you stood at the elevator for a few minutes after he drove away, trying to sort out in your mind what had just happened.

Chasing after your rabbit through the strawberry field in your grandparent's old house by the sea. Feeding him branches from the trees surrounding the property. The immense sadness you felt upon hearing that he had run away.

Watching your grandfather weave baskets from blades of grass. Learning how to whittle, and tying sticks and shells to bits of rope while he carved a piece of wood to string them from. Hanging your finished wind chime from a hook and admiring your shared project.

Traveling for a week in Italy with a friend. Realizing that it's not the traveling or the place itself that transforms you, but the attitude you bring to it, and the things you learn from it. Feeling confident and independent after learning how to take full responsibility for navigation, time management, and other necessities.

That sinking, panicked feeling you got when you realized that the train you'd boarded to get home was going in the opposite direction. Then, after a series of mishaps, boarding the last boat with not more than 5 minutes to spare. Breathing a sigh of relief and wanting to cry and hug everyone after finally having the time to relax and realize that if any part of your journey had been delayed a minute more, you would have been spending the night alone in an unknown city in an unfamiliar country with no hotel reservation, no phone, and barely any money.

Flawlessly performing a piece you had waited years to have the skills to learn on a beautiful instrument. Hitting the last note and feeling high with pride.

Practicing your favorite song with the high school choir in the hall of the old English building. Every sound reverberated off the walls, and everyone was focused and in tune with each other. Reaching to that high D and then delicately coming down after the climax. Opening your eyes and seeing tears in everyone's eyes. Realizing you've never experienced such an intimate moment with so many people before. Knowing that feeling will never be replicated.

Dancing to Lou Reed's "Modern Dance" in France with your cousin when you were 12.

Screaming bloody murder and making your poor parents chase you and pin you down so they could put medicated cream in your eyes. You had pink eye, and it sucked, but the thought of anyone putting anything anywhere near your eyeball was not ok with you, and you put everyone through hell before you let it happen. After it was over, you realized it really hadn't been so bad, and you felt very foolish for making such a stink.

The motorcycle ride you got from an attractive European boy while you were visiting family over the summer. Your friends had to practically force you to do it, but it was your last night there and finally after much coercion, you decided to hell with it, got on the back of the motorcycle, wrapped your arms around the stranger, and sped away. He was courteous and brought you back safe, and you felt rebellious and alive.